One of Nine Lives
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The Joker and Two-Face happen to stumble upon one of Catwoman's careers before she turned to cat burglary, something Selina Kyle is not proud of. They both determine to blackmail her by threatening to tell those closest to her, her friend Poison Ivy and her boyfriend Batman.
1. Chapter 1

**One of Nine Lives  
**

For not the first time in his life, Two-Face was wishing that he had decided on a criminal persona with a mask.

Not that he had actually decided to become Two-Face – an accident had marred his face and broken his mind, leading him to the criminal lifestyle, and considering he wasn't very rational at the time, he hadn't had a rational discussion with himself about how he was going to perpetrate those crimes. But if he had, a mask would have been a great choice. While masks were generally pretty uncomfortable, they at least did you the service of concealing your identity, so that on days when you weren't committing crimes, you could go about errands without attracting stares and phone calls to the cops. When a guy had a physical deformity as obvious as his, it was pretty hard to go about your business unnoticed, and he would probably attract just as much suspicion doing his shopping in a mask.

He had been thinking this as he ducked into a nearby, empty-looking shop to avoid the police, who he had seen coming from down the street. He peered out the window, hoping they were going to hurry past. Just his luck that they decided to do a thorough search of the area. He was gonna be in here a while.

He sighed, turning around to face the shop assistant behind the counter. "Morning," he muttered.

"Morning," said the assistant, trying to remain calm. Two-Face looked around – to his relief, the shop was empty except for him and the assistant. But his relief turned to surprise when he saw the pictures displayed behind the counter. A closer examination of the merchandise made him realize that he had ducked into a sex shop. His day just kept getting luckier.

"Bargain DVDs are only a buck," voiced the assistant, pointing to a bucket in front of the desk.

"Yep, it's definitely my lucky day," sighed Two-Face, heading over to the bucket and taking a look through it.

"Can I help you find anything?" asked the assistant. "What sort of fetishes are you into?"

"I'll just browse, if you don't mind," retorted Two-Face.

The shop assistant shrugged, wondering if he should chat with the customer as his manager was always telling him to, or, since his customer was a notorious supercriminal, just keep his mouth shut and probably live longer.

The door suddenly opened and another figure ducked into the shop, peering out the window. Two-Face didn't turn around to see who it was until he heard a familiar voice say, "Why are there so many cops prowling around here? Is the hotlight on at Krispy Kreme?"

Two-Face recognized that voice, and that laugh, and turned around slowly to see the Joker. "Harvey!" said the Joker, beaming. "That might explain the cops!"

"Yeah, well, you of all people must know how difficult it is to go out without getting the cops called on you," muttered Two-Face. "I'm hiding out in here until they disappear."

"Right," chuckled Joker, looking around. "I'm sure that's what all the guys caught in sex shops say!"

"You're in one too," retorted Two-Face.

"Yeah, but you were here first," said Joker. He whistled. "I've actually never been in one of these. I usually go to joke shops to pick up stuff for the bedroom – they have literally everything you need. Heya, sport, you wanna tell me how these places stay in business with the internet?" he asked the shop assistant.

"Well, business is pretty slow lately," replied the assistant. "That's why we've got the bargain DVDs for a buck, so we can generate sales. Anything I can help you find? What sort of fetishes are you into?"

"Clowns," said Joker, seriously. "Do you have anything involving clowns?"

"I…don't think they make…uh…clown porn," said the assistant, slowly.

"Sweet, Harley and me have cornered the market!" cried Joker, triumphantly. "What a business opportunity! We'll make billions on the monopoly, assuming I can convince her to do it! But I know a lotta people would pay to see that. You'd pay to see that, wouldn't you, Harvey?"

"I would pay you never to make that," agreed Two-Face, examining a DVD. "There are some horrors the world just isn't ready for."

"What's this?" said Joker, grabbing the DVD off him. "_E.R.: Erection Rescue_. Dirty nurses your thing, Harv? Did you make Pammie wear the outfit when you were dating?" he giggled.

"At least it's not clowns," growled Two-Face, grabbing it back.

"You telling me you can look at a whoopie cushion and not get turned on?" demanded Joker. "Because if that's true, I'm not the freak here!"

"Are the police gone yet?" demanded Two-Face, eager to get out of this more than awkward situation.

Joker glanced out the window. "Yeah, they seem to be."

"Great – I'm outta here," said Two-Face, throwing the DVD back in the bucket and heading for the door.

Joker giggled, picking up the DVD and putting it on the counter. "I don't know about him, but I'm sure there's lots of fun I can have with a porno. That's a buck, you said?" he asked, reaching into his wallet and withdrawing a bill. "Got change for a hundred?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, Harvey, wait up!" called Joker, racing after him out of the shop.

"I got errands to run, clown," growled Two-Face, heading across the street to a supermarket that had traditionally been very undiscerning in terms of their customers.

"How are we today, Mr. Dent?" asked the cashier. "Some friends of yours are here as well," he said, nodding down an aisle. Two-Face looked to see Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch examining a rack of spices.

"They're not friends of mine," he muttered. "I don't know what you think goes on in Arkham, but we supervillains aren't all friends, and we don't all hang out together in our free time."

"Harvey, glad I caught you," said Joker, appearing behind him.

"We're not hanging out," said Two-Face, hastily.

"Why, if it isn't our friends, the Nerd Couple!" chuckled Joker, noticing Crane and Tetch.

"They're not our friends!" snapped Two-Face, as Joker dragged him over to them.

"I'm telling you, Jonathan, we need to season the crepe pans," Tetch was saying. "It's been ages since we've got ours seasoned, and you can tell."

"The saucepans are more urgent, Jervis – we use them more frequently," said Crane. "I know you have a fondness for crepes, but in terms of general use, the saucepans are more pressing."

"Couldn't we just season them both?" asked Tetch.

"My dear Jervis, we mustn't be extravagant…" began Crane.

"Morning, boys!" said Joker, grabbing them each by the shoulder. "How are my two favorite pathetic losers today?"

"Hello, Joker," sighed Tetch, wearily.

"I suppose we should be flattered that you consider us your favorite pathetic losers?" asked Crane. "Not that your opinion matters, of course."

"Opinions don't matter – facts do," said Joker, nodding. "And you two being pathetic losers is a fact, Craney!" he said, clapping him on the back.

"You're a loser too!" retorted Crane. "You always lose to Batman!"

"Nah, I let him win," said Joker, shrugging. "Keeps the game interesting. Doing some shopping for the love-nest, huh?"

"We're not a couple," growled Crane. "We just share a home at the moment."

"In my book, that's a couple," said Joker, nodding. "Harley and me share a home, and we're a couple, ergo you're a couple. And speaking of our happy home, Harvey and me are heading there now to watch a movie."

"We are?" said Two-Face, puzzled. It was the first he had heard of it.

"Of course we are, Harvey! Why don't you boys come with us?" continued Joker.

Crane stared at him. "You want _us_…to watch a movie with _you_?" he asked. "Why? What's the joke?"

"No joke, Craney!" chuckled Joker. "I just feel like spending some time with my nerd buddies! And I think you'll like this movie – I'm betting you ain't seen anything like it before!"

"Oh yes? What is it?" asked Tetch.

Joker tapped his nose. "Don't wanna ruin the surprise, Tetchy! You both coming or not?"

"Will Harley be there?" asked Crane.

"She's out with her gal pal at the moment, but sure, she might drop in later," said Joker, shrugging. "Anyway, I'm sure she don't wanna watch this movie. It's kinda a man's film."

Tetch pulled out his pocket watch. "I'm not sure we have the time before teatime…"

"Schedules are for squares, Hatty," said Joker, grabbing the watch from him and smashing it on the ground. "But I'll buy you a new pocket watch if you come watch the movie. A watch for a watch, get it?" he giggled.

Tetch and Crane shared a look. "Well, I suppose I do need a new pocket watch now," sighed Tetch. "Or I'll be late for every important date from now until the end of time. And perhaps you could provide me with one that tells the day of the month rather than what o'clock it is, as Alice describes at the Mad Tea-Party…"

"Blah blah blah, no one cares, let's go," said Joker, shoving them out of the shop. "C'mon, Harv!"

Two-Face was smart enough to realize that the Joker was planning some big joke, and wouldn't leave him to do his errands in peace until the punchline came. So he sighed and followed Joker back to his hideout.

"Take a seat," said Joker, nodding at the sofa in front of the TV. "Don't mind the whoopie cushions if you set one off – these aren't exploding ones!" he chuckled. "Harley and me just got a little frisky watching a slasher movie the other night. I'm sure you boys know how it is. It's all fake violence, but it still gives you ideas!" he giggled.

"I think I'm gonna…sit on the floor," said Two-Face, slowly.

"What on earth is that?" demanded Tetch, who had sat down on the sofa but stood up instantly to a vibration in the cushion.

"Aw yeah, sorry," said Joker, reaching under the cushion and pulling out a set of chattering teeth. "Sometimes we forget to clean up the toys. Hey, my joy buzzer's back here too!" he exclaimed. "I was wondering where that had got to!"

He pocketed it, giggling as he went over to put the movie in the DVD player. He sat down, pressing play, and the film began in a sterile room. A man lay in a hospital bed and a nurse walked in, in a revealing costume.

"The doctor will be right with you, Mr. Smith, but she's sent me in first to do a cursory examination," said the nurse, sitting down next to him. "What seems to be the problem?"

The man looked uncomfortable. "Uh…I just got…er…some pain…um…down…down…there," he said, nodding at his crotch.

"In your private area?" said the nurse. "I'm sure I can help with that, Mr. Smith. Why don't you show it to me?" she said, kneeling in front of him and undoing his zipper. "And I'll show you mine," she breathed, gazing up at him lasciviously as she ripped open the top of her nurse's uniform.

Two-Face realized with a jolt that this was the movie he had been looking at in the sex shop, and turned to look at Joker, who was giggling hysterically at Crane and Tetch's horrified reactions. "J, this is that porno!" Two-Face growled. "Why the hell are we watching this?!"

"For the fun of it, Harv!" giggled Joker.

Tetch let out a cry, covering his face with his hands suddenly. "Oh God, oh my God, oh God, it's revolting!"

"It's just sex, Tetchy," said Joker. "If you and that kid Alice ever got together, I assume this is the kinda stuff you'd do eventually."

"God, no!" cried Tetch. "We'd be married first, for a start, and we'd have the lights off during our wedding night, like all decent people! It's barbaric to be able to watch…intimate acts like that! A woman's private area is no place for a man's eyes!"

"Wow…ok…I can totally see why the kid didn't go for you," said Joker, slowly.

"Is this film meant to make sense?" demanded Crane. "Because I question its realism. I've been to the doctor's office many times in my life, and this has never happened to me. Why would the nurse even begin acting like this? She'd lose her job for gross misconduct! And in this economy, that's not going to be a risk she's willing to take!"

"Oh, I dunno, Craney!" chuckled Joker. "It's kinda what Harley did to me, and I'm sure she'd say it was worth losing her job for! I tried to make it worth her while, anyway!" he giggled.

"Turn it off, please turn it off!" cried Tetch, his eyes squeezed shut as he clapped his hands to his ears. "I can't block out the noise! ''Twas brillig, and the slithy toves, did gyre and gimble in the wabe: all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe'…" he muttered, trying to blot out the sound.

"J, stop torturing him," muttered Two-Face, standing up to take out the DVD.

"No, hang on, the doctor's just entered," said Crane. "I hope she's going to fire this nurse on the spot."

"You ain't ever seen these kinda movies before, huh, Craney?" chuckled Joker, as the doctor took off her lab coat to reveal nothing underneath.

Two-Face stared at the screen in shock. "Hang on a second, I know her," he muttered.

"I think when you start recognizing porn stars, it's a sign you're watching too much porn…" chuckled Joker.

"You know her too!" snapped Two-Face, whirling around and pointing at the screen. "It's Catwoman!"

"What?" said Joker eagerly, leaping to his feet and rushing over to get a good look at the screen. "I can't see her clearly, she's got her face buried in that guy's…as I live and breathe, you're right!" he said, grinning gleefully.

"She looks young – when was this made?" asked Two-Face, grabbing the case. "You think she did porn before she turned to cat burglary?"

"I guess so!" chuckled Joker. His eyes lit up as he turned to face Two-Face, grinning madly. "Do you think Batsy knows?" he whispered.

He cackled insanely, grabbing the DVD case and kissing it. "Oh, somebody up there loves me! I can't wait to see the look on his little Bat-face when I give this to him – it'll be the funniest thing ever! I mean, I'm sure he knows he's not the only guy to enjoy Pussy's pussy, but I don't think he knows that millions of male viewers have seen it in glorious technicolor! Do you suppose that's where the name Catwoman comes from? Think Pussy Galore was her stage name?" he giggled.

"Turn it off, for the love of God!" cried Tetch, shaking back and forth on the sofa.

"No, c'mon, Harvey, I wanna see if I can break his brain!" giggled Joker, holding out his hand to stop Two-Face turning off the movie.

They suddenly heard voices from outside – female voices. "Aw, crap, I thought she'd be out all day!" muttered Joker, racing forward to cover the screen. "Quick, turn it off!"

"You scared of Harley catching you watching porn?" asked Two-Face.

"I ain't scared of nothing!" retorted Joker. "Just turn it off right now!" he said, flicking off the TV hurriedly. "Harley can be…very unreasonable sometimes."

"You don't say," muttered Two-Face as the door opened and Harley Quinn entered, chatting with Poison Ivy.

"Oh…I didn't know you were having the boys over, Mr. J!" said Harley, smiling at them. "Red and I were gonna hang out here, but I guess we can go to hers if you're busy."

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea, pooh," said Joker, hastily. "It was kinda a last minute thing – decided to have the guys over to watch a movie…"

"Oh yeah? What movie?" asked Harley.

"Uh…a hard-hitting medical drama about a guy with a…difficult problem and the doctor and nurse who help him expel it," invented Joker.

"That don't sound very fun, Mr. J," said Harley, frowning. "Why would you wanna watch something like that?"

"Because…it wasn't my idea," said Joker. "It was…Johnny's. He likes the intellectual stuff, y'know."

"This was not an intellectual film," muttered Crane, his arms folded across his chest. "At all. Didn't make a shred of sense."

"Is this it?" asked Ivy, picking up the DVD case. She looked at Joker and smiled. "_E.R.: Erection Rescue_? Doesn't sound like a hard-hitting medical drama to me, J."

Harley stared from the case to the Joker. "You…you been watching…porn, Mr. J?"

"What do you expect from a group of men, Harley?" sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes. "Bunch of disgusting animals, all of them."

"I have to go…be sick," gasped Tetch, rushing out of the room.

Harley was still gaping at Joker. "I can't believe you'd…Mr. J…you…" Her eyes narrowed in fury. "You know you're not allowed to do that," she growled. "You know there are two things I do not tolerate in a relationship: cheating and porn."

"Pooh…I promise…it's not what you think," stammered Joker. "It was a joke…"

"It's not funny, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley. "You gotta learn your lesson! You want sex, I'll give you sex, but I don't think you're gonna enjoy it!"

She picked up her hammer, tapping it lightly into the palm of her hand. "Into the bedroom," she hissed. "It's punishment time."

"But cupcake, let me explain, this movie has got…"

"No excuses!" she shrieked. "Bed! Now!"

Joker stood up. "Guys, let's make today...our little secret. Now if you'll excuse us, Harley and me have some…things to do."

Everyone filed out of the hideout. A few moments later, they heard Joker crying out in pain. "Harley, I swear, I didn't enjoy it…I…no, no, Harley, listen to Daddy, not the rubber chicken! No…I won't ever do it again, I promise…Harley! Harley!"

Crane looked at Two-Face. "What do you suppose…"

"Best not to speculate," interrupted Two-Face. "But I guess I can understand why J was afraid of Harley seeing the porn."

"I think all men who watch porn should suffer the same fate," sniffed Ivy. "Merciless torture seems a just punishment for the exploitation of women."

"Oh yeah? So what would you say women who act in pornos deserve?" asked Two-Face, lightly. "Surely they're kinda feminist for sexually empowering themselves, huh?"

Ivy snorted. "No, they're demeaning themselves for the base lusts of men. They're allowing themselves to be objectified and oppressed for masculine pleasure. They're part of the problem, and should probably be reprimanded just as harshly as men."

Two-Face shared another look with Crane. "Right," he said, grinning to himself and making a mental note to call Catwoman the moment he got home, to see how much he could blackmail her to keep her secret. His errands could wait.


	3. Chapter 3

Catwoman walked into the Iceberg Lounge, looking around for the person she was meeting. She spotted Two-Face over by the bar and sauntered over.

"Harvey, I gotta say, I was surprised to get your call," she purred, sitting down next to him and smiling. "We don't usually hang out socially."

"Yeah, I've been hanging out with a lotta fellow criminals socially more than I'd like to," he retorted, lighting up a cigar. "Has its benefits, though."

"Oh yes? And what benefits would you be expecting from our social acquaintance?" she asked, grinning at him.

Two-Face smiled back, blowing out a cloud of cigar smoke. "I don't mix business and pleasure, toots. And this is strictly business."

"Really? Ivy tells me you mix the two quite a few times when it comes to her," murmured Catwoman. "Are you gonna tell me she's a liar? Because there's a lotta stuff of yours lying around her apartment. I think she's got a collection of your coins."

"They slip outta your pocket easily," muttered Two-Face, exhaling irritably.

"Or do you leave them as a tip, since it's just business between you two?" asked Catwoman, grinning.

"You can say what you want about Pammie, but she's never had sex for money, unlike some people here," snapped Two-Face.

"Is this meeting to tell me you've gone into male prostitution, Harv?" asked Catwoman, smiling. "And you'd like me as your first customer? Well, I must say, I'm flattered…"

"This ain't about me, it's about you, you dumb slut!" roared Two-Face. "And a certain adult film you starred in! _E.R.: Erection Rescue_! Ring any bells, Selina?"

Catwoman's smug smile fell suddenly into a look of horror. "How…how do you…know about that?" she whispered.

Two-Face leaned forward, smiling. "Not only do I know about that, Selina – I've got a copy of that," he murmured. "It's on its way here right now, just to prove I'm not bluffing, and it's late, actually," he muttered, glancing at his watch and frowning.

At that moment, the Joker came hobbling into the room, leaning heavily on his cane and limping. "Afternoon, Harvey, Selina," he said, nodding at them and wincing as he gingerly took a seat. "Sorry I'm late, but I'm a little sore, and it took me a while to get across town with my injuries. Glad you could make it though, Sex Kitten," he giggled.

"You get into a rumble with the Bat, J?" asked Catwoman, looking him up and down. "You look like you've been in some kinda horrible fight."

"Yeah…it was pretty horrible," agreed Joker. "Actually Harley caught me watching your blue movie, Pussy Galore, and decided to…vent her displeasure."

"Why does Harley get so angry about porn?" asked Two-Face.

"She figures the only reason guys watch porn is because their girlfriends don't satisfy them enough," said Joker, wincing again. "So she sees it as me saying she's not doing her job properly. And since Harley is always very, very eager and enthusiastic to…do her job properly, she gets offended when I imply she ain't, since she's always offering. And so as punishment, she sees to it that I…get satisfied. Until it hurts."

He let out a hiss of pain, adjusting his position again. "But ain't it funny how some people are so weird about porn?" he chuckled. "Harley, the Plant Lady, probably a certain Bat-person, people who'd be really interested to know they have a very own porn star in their midst!" he giggled, nodding at Catwoman.

"It's not something you want the world at large to know about, is it, Selina?" murmured Two-Face. "Let alone the people closest to you. Even the most tolerant people don't just forgive something like this. And frankly, the people closest to you are anything but tolerant."

"Where did you get a copy?" she demanded. "I hunted them all down ages ago – destroyed every last one, I made sure…"

"Not every last one," retorted Two-Face, as Joker withdrew the DVD from his coat pocket. "J and me found it in a bargain bin at a sex shop."

"You two go sex shopping together?" asked Catwoman, grinning. "You tell Bats about this, and I'll tell him about that!"

Two-Face blew another cloud of smoke into her face. "Don't play with us, kitty," he whispered. "We're running the game now."

"All right, how much do you want for it?" demanded Catwoman, reaching for her purse. "I can write you a check for whatever you think is reasonable…"

"Yeah, the thing about that, Kitty Pie, is that we ain't very reasonable people!" giggled Joker. "And while Harvey may be the type to settle for an unseemly amount of money, it's not about money for me. It's about the gag. It's about watching Pussy writhe and squirm waiting for the hammer to fall, waiting for me to give Bats the punchline to this particular joke. Not that I didn't see a lot of Pussy writhing and squirming on the TV screen already!" he giggled.

Catwoman was about to respond caustically when two more people entered the Iceberg Lounge, people she recognized as Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch. They noticed her and Tetch went pale, clapping a hand over his mouth and racing out of the room, while Crane blushed, nodding at her and coming over.

"Good…afternoon, Miss Kyle," he stammered. "You're looking…very well."

"Not as good as the last time you saw her, huh, Johnny?" chuckled Joker.

Catwoman stared at him. "Oh my God, you've seen…"

"Everything!" supplied Joker, giggling. "I'm sure Johnny here would like to thank you – it's probably the only time he's ever gonna see a naked woman!"

"I was mostly bothered by…plotting issues," said Crane. "That was the main focus of my attention, not your…um…your…excuse me, I have to go," he said, turning away.

"No, wait, Johnny, just a second," said Catwoman, seizing his arm. "You're…y'know, a nice guy, a gentleman type…if you were…seeing a girl…like me, and you found out she had done…what I did in that movie…it wouldn't make any difference to your feelings for her, would it?"

"Well…that's a great deal of hypothetical speculation, my dear," began Crane, slowly. "I don't think…I'd really know what to feel. I'm sure you had your reasons, of course…"

"It was just one dumb movie, one time," said Catwoman. "I was trying to earn some money to put myself through college, and I did that the only way I could think of. I was young and stupid and…it was just a mistake! A youthful indiscretion shouldn't be allowed to ruin my life now, should it?"

"Well, I'm not the one blackmailing you, my dear," replied Crane. "You'll have to try reasoning with them," he said, nodding at Joker and Two-Face. "I wish you good luck with it, but I don't hold out high hopes for your success."

"But…as a nice guy, Johnny," said Catwoman. "Because I'm kinda dating…a nice guy. I know you guys don't agree, but deep down, that's what Batman is. He won't feel any different about me if he finds out, will he?"

Crane sighed. "What we think and what we feel, my dear, are two different things that cannot always be reconciled," he murmured. "I'd like to think that if I loved a woman, nothing she did in her past would make the slightest difference to my present feelings for her. Rationally I would understand your reasons, and sympathize. I might still feel…resentment and jealousy, though, despite my better nature. Because our brains attempt to make us into better people, my dear, using thought and reason and logic. More rational, more tolerant people…but I am a lunatic because I cannot help what I feel, which is anger, vengeance, and hatred toward all of humanity. Perhaps it makes no sense rationally, but irrationality controls me. It controls them," he said, nodding at Joker and Two-Face. "It probably controls you, to a certain extent. And it most certainly controls Batman. But perhaps I underestimate him, and his better nature will prevail."

"Yeah, because he's such a hero," agreed Joker. "Not judgmental at all. Doesn't go around beating people into a pulp on a suspicion that they might be committing a crime with no verifiable evidence to support his theory. Oh wait, that's right, that's exactly what he does!"

"And don't forget your gal pals," reminded Two-Face. "Ivy would never forgive you for aiding in female oppression like that. And you heard what Harley did to J for even watching porn. God only knows how she'll react to someone who starred in it."

"I'm not afraid of Harley," retorted Catwoman, standing up. "Or Ivy. Or Batman. You both do your worst. I'm not gonna cower in fear of you telling people, or start begging for your amusement. I'll see you around, jerks."

She stormed from the restaurant. "Well, that failed spectacularly," growled Two-Face, putting out his cigar.

Joker giggled. "Game ain't over yet, Harvey," he laughed. "She talks big, but we'll see how she feels in a couple days. I think she's bluffing anyway. But I get my fun either way. She really refuses to cooperate, and I'm giving this to Bats," he chuckled, holding up the DVD. "You know what they say - cost of blackmail: half a million dollars. Cost of Selina's dignity: whatever she got paid for this movie. Batman's face at watching his girlfriend in a porno: priceless!"


	4. Chapter 4

"So why couldn't we have the girls' night at yours like we planned, Selina?" asked Ivy.

"One of my cats really made a mess while I was out," replied Catwoman. "Clawing up the furniture, doing its business wherever it liked – it's not very pleasant there at the moment. And it's gonna take hours to clean up, and I didn't wanna cancel, so…"

"I don't mind hosting, Selina, don't worry!" said Harley, cheerfully, as she emerged from the the kitchen with her hands full of cocktails.

"I do – it means we have to be subjected to your cooking again, Harley," retorted Ivy, taking a cocktail.

"Don't worry, Red – I've ordered pizza," said Harley. "Mr. J wanted pepperoni, so I hope that's ok with everyone."

Ivy stared at her. "You didn't tell J to clear out?" she demanded.

"Yeah, he can't be here on a girls' night!" snapped Catwoman, incredibly annoyed. She had made up a lie about not being able to host since she wanted to be at Harley's hideout and hopefully find where Joker had hidden the DVD while he was out. But if he was here, there was no way he'd leave it unguarded.

"Well…it was kinda short notice, Selina," said Harley, slowly. "And he still can't get around very well after what I did to him…"

"Serves him right for watching porn," sniffed Ivy. "You only gave him what he deserved."

"Yeah, I think I was fair," agreed Harley, nodding. "It's just a disgusting thing to do, and really insulting to me. I mean, he'd rather watch some random floozy have sex with a guy than actually just have sex with me. Who wouldn't be offended by that?"

"I guess it would depend on who the random floozy was, pumpkin pie," chuckled Joker as he entered the room, still leaning heavily on his cane.

"Shouldn't matter," snapped Harley. "You shouldn't wanna watch some floozy with no self-respect when you got an attractive gal willing to do anything in the world for you."

"That's what they all are, huh, pumpkin?" he giggled, smiling at Catwoman. "Floozies with no self-respect?"

"Worse, they're an insult to women," said Ivy, firmly. "Holding feminism back hundreds of years."

"Oh, you think all women are an insult to women, Ivy," snapped Catwoman. "Porn actresses, Harley…"

"Hey!" exclaimed Harley.

"I don't think _all _woman are an insult to women," retorted Ivy. "Just the ones that refuse to fight the patriarchy and keep women enslaved in the service of men. So yes, porn actresses and Harley."

"It's my choice to be enslaved in the service of a man!" snapped Harley. "And you should learn to respect my choices, Red! Ain't that what feminism is all about, women getting to make their own choices?"

"Only if they make the right choice," retorted Ivy.

"Geez, I'm really sorry to have missed out on all these girly nights!" chuckled Joker. "They sound like a laugh riot! Your little snipping and bitching probably escalates into a full scale fight, preferably with mud wrestling and pillows, and ends with you three kissing and making up, right?"

"You've clearly been watching too much porn, J," retorted Ivy, rolling her eyes.

"Actually, I'm not a regular viewer," said Joker. "But there's someone here who's kinda an expert on the subject. Ain't that what usually happens in pornos, Kitty Pie?"

"I'm no expert, J," said Catwoman, gritting her teeth.

"Yeah, I doubt she and Batman cuddle together in the Batcave and watch it on the Batcomputer!" laughed Harley. "But then I don't think they make Bat-porn, so that would probably disappoint him. Egocentric freak."

"Of the two of us, Harley, my boyfriend's not the one who's an egocentric freak," muttered Catwoman.

"Aw, I think you'll wanna be a bit nicer to me than that, Pussy Pooh!" giggled Joker. "Because I've got a really funny joke at your expense that I'm just dying to tell!"

"What's the joke, J?" asked Ivy.

Catwoman glared at Joker, who just smiled back at her. The doorbell rang suddenly.

"Pizza's here!" said Harley, breaking the tense silence as she skipped over to the door. Ivy followed her to flirt with the delivery boy, leaving Catwoman and Joker alone.

"If you breathe one word…" began Catwoman.

"What?" asked Joker, grinning. "What are you gonna do to me, Sex Kitten? Anything like what I saw in your movie? Because I doubt Harley would approve!"

"Just shut up about that stupid movie, all right?" demanded Catwoman.

"I'm not an idiot, toots – that's clearly why you're here," retorted Joker. "Have a nice snoop around my hideout and steal that movie. Haven't you heard the saying curiosity killed the cat?"

"I'm here to spend a nice evening with my friends," growled Catwoman.

"How dumb do you think I am?" demanded Joker. "Nobody hangs out with Harley and the Weed Lady to have a nice evening! They just make everybody's life a living hell! Uh…a precious, wonderful living hell that I for one never want to leave, pumpkin," he said, noticing Harley standing in the doorway with a pizza in her arms and an annoyed expression on her face.

"You want another beating, Mr. J?" she demanded. "Because I can find the naughty stick again and stick it where the sun don't shine."

"Oooh, Harley, I love it when you talk dirty!" sighed Joker, kissing her cheek. She squeaked happily, offering him the first slice of pizza.

"Well, sadly the delivery boy is gay," sighed Ivy, rejoining them in the room. "Too bad – he was cute."

"Maybe he just said he was gay because he wasn't interested," retorted Catwoman.

"I find that pretty unlikely," said Ivy. "There's never been a man yet who can resist me. Delivery boys, utility guys, doctors…"

"Now who's been watching too many pornos?" giggled Joker.

"Can we please stop talking about pornos?" demanded Catwoman.

"Yeah, let's change the subject," agreed Harley, passing the pizza around. "Any suggestions for a movie to watch with dinner?"

"Oooh, I have one!" said Joker, shooting his hand up into the air.

"Is it another one of your ancient comedies, J?" sighed Ivy. "News flash: slapstick stopped being funny in the fifties."

"I'll ignore your insult to comedy, Pammie," retorted Joker. "But it is a funny movie. At least, I think you'll both find it really funny anyway!" he giggled, heading for his bedroom.

"Uh…just gonna go to the bathroom," said Catwoman, racing after him. She entered his room to see him taking a DVD out from under his pillow.

"Give that to me right now!" she shrieked, jumping on him and pinning him down on the bed.

"No!" he shouted, fighting against her as they struggled on the bed. "They have a right to know! Freedom of information! You can't conceal the truth!"

"Selina, Mr. J, what…" began Harley, as she and Ivy entered the room, but her jaw dropped at the situation. Her surprise instantly turned to blind rage.

"Get offa him!" she shrieked, grabbing Catwoman and yanking her hair back. "He's mine, you catty bitch!"

"Oh, for God's sake, Harley, I wasn't trying to do anything to him!" shrieked Catwoman, rounding on her. "I was just trying to get the DVD!"

"What DVD?" demanded Harley.

Joker giggled. "Do you wanna be told the surprise, or do you wanna see it?" he asked, holding up the DVD.

"What is this?" asked Harley, grabbing it from him. "What did I tell you about pornos, Mr. J?!"

"But pooh bear, it stars our very own Pussy Galore!" giggled Joker, gesturing at Catwoman.

"What are you talking about?" demanded Ivy.

"Oh, for God's sake, I'm just going to tell them!" snapped Catwoman. "When I was in college, I acted in a porno. It was good money, and it seemed like a good idea at the time, but I've regretted it ever since. I thought I had destroyed all the copies of it in existence, but J and Harvey found one in a sex shop and now they're trying to blackmail me!"

Both Harley and Ivy stared at Catwoman in surprise.

"What were you doing in a sex shop, Mr. J?" asked Harley at last. "Was the joke shop closed?"

"Really? That's what you focus on?" demanded Ivy. "Selina, how could you?"

She shrugged. "I told you, the money was good."

"How good?" asked Ivy.

"Well, this was a low budget picture, and I made around five grand," said Catwoman, shrugging again. "Not as much as I make with cat burglary now, but at the time, it seemed like a lot."

"People pay you five thousand dollars to star in a film where you have sex with random guys?" demanded Ivy. "And I've been doing that for free all these years! I could have been making a profit!"

"I…thought you said it was unfeminist and demeaning," said Catwoman, puzzled.

"Well yeah, it is, but for that kinda money…" began Ivy, but she trailed off. "I mean, you could actually see it as really feminist, asserting your sexuality and controlling male pleasure," she continued. "Taking men's money since their wallets are ruled by their penises. In a way, it's the most assertive thing a woman can do as a sexually powerful being. And getting paid that much is just a perk."

"No, no, no, Pammie, it's disgusting and demeaning!" said Joker, frowning. This wasn't the reaction he had wanted at all. "And you, pooh, aren't you angry that I was watching Selina act in a porno? I mean, she's one of your best friends!"

"Yeah, and she didn't force you to watch it," retorted Harley. "You volunteered to watch one of my best friends in a porno."

Her eyes narrowed. "You volunteered to watch one of my best friends in a porno," she repeated.

"Now…now calm down…pooh," he stammered, noticing the furious, crazy look in her eye and backing away.

"If you ladies will excuse us," muttered Harley, shoving Ivy and Catwoman out of the room and shutting the door. "We'll be with you shortly."

"No…no, Harley, no, I wasn't…it's not what you think…not the naughty stick, Harley, no…no, no!"

"So me being in a porno doesn't bother you, huh, Ivy?" asked Catwoman, as they returned to the living room to the sound of Joker's screams.

"Hey, I think we've all done the occasional stupid thing from time to time," said Ivy, shrugging. "I know I have. I mean, we're criminals, for goodness sake. Acting in a porno doesn't seem that bad a way to earn money compared to robbing a bank or something. Probably less effort anyway."

"Do you think Batman would be ok with it if I told him?" asked Catwoman.

Ivy was silent. "Well, he's not ok with the criminal thing really, is he?" she asked at last. "So I'm not sure what his reaction will be to this. You know how morally upright he is about everything. Something like this could really bother him."

"Not as much as it bothers me having to think about being blackmailed by the likes of J and Harvey," retorted Catwoman. "I'm going to tell him before they can," she said, resolutely.

Ivy shrugged again. "It's your relationship," she said, lightly. "I'll be here with the cocktails if you need them. What else are friends for?"


	5. Chapter 5

"This is really nice of you, Bruce," said Selina Kyle, sipping her champagne as she sat in a fancy restaurant across from billionaire Bruce Wayne, also known as Batman. Not that this was widely known, and Selina had only become aware of it very recently when Bruce had trusted her with his secret. The least she could do, she reasoned, was trust him with hers.

"Well, you said you wanted to meet for dinner, and I thought I'd give Alfred a night off cooking," said Bruce, giving her his winning smile. "Plus you did use the dreaded phrase 'we need to talk,' and I didn't want to be dumped in my own home."

"I'm not dumping you!" laughed Selina. "No, it's nothing like that. Nothing you've done…"

"It's not you, it's me?" finished Bruce, grinning. "You're just throwing out all the cliché breakup phrases tonight, Selina. You can't blame me for being paranoid."

"I doubt you'll let me break up with you, Bruce, even if I wanted to," she retorted. "I know too much about you. Stuff I could blackmail you with."

"That doesn't mean I'm going to hold you hostage in a relationship!" laughed Bruce. "C'mon, Selina, what kinda monster do you think I am? I told you about my…job because I thought you deserved to know. And I trust you. Not because I was hoping to use it as a kind of weapon over you. You know I don't like weapons."

"Gadgets are ok, though," added Selina, smiling. "No, I know what you mean, Bruce. And I know you're not the type of guy who would ever use people's past behaviors as a weapon against them…unless they're a supercriminal, I guess…because you kinda do that all the time…" She trailed off.

"Is this about a supercriminal?" asked Bruce, puzzled.

"Well…how do you see me?" asked Selina, slowly.

He smiled at her, taking her hand. "You really think I'd be dating a supercriminal?"

"Well, you do see the Joker a lot more than is healthy," she added, grinning.

"He's clingier than a girlfriend," agreed Bruce. "Which is weird since he seems to hate that about his own girlfriend."

"Probably because she's not you," retorted Selina.

"Did you really want to talk to me about the Joker's sexuality, or was there something else on your mind?" asked Bruce.

"Well…it has to do with J, actually," stammered Selina. "Y'see, he's a real bastard, y'know…"

Bruce stared at her. "Oh God…Selina…you and he didn't…you haven't…"

"What? No! Oh God, no!" cried Selina, horrified. "No, no, no, Bruce, nothing like that! God, how blind do you think I am?!"

"Thank God!" he sighed. "Because that might be the one thing you've done that I actually couldn't forgive. But anything else will seem totally acceptable by comparison." He smiled at her. "Don't be afraid to tell me anything, Selina."

She drew a deep breath. "Ok. Here goes. Uh…Bruce…some years ago…a very long time ago…when I was in college…I…uh…might have…starred in a…"

Two shots were fired into the air. "Nobody move! This is a holdup!" cried a familiar voice.

"Oh God, not the person I wanted to see," muttered Selina as Two-Face barged into the room. She felt Bruce tense up next to her, and knew he was eager to shift into Batman mode. But Two-Face had already seen them, and smiled grimly at her, coming over to them.

"Once a slut, always a slut," he muttered. "I thought you were dating Batman, Selina."

"He's one of the guys I'm dating," agreed Selina, glaring at him. "Bruce is another."

"And does Bruce know where you've been?" he asked. "Bet he hasn't seen it in detail like I have. You can do so much better, Bruce. I'm warning you as a friend, stay away from her," he growled, turning to him. "You know she's dating Batman, right?"

"I'm aware of that," replied Bruce, calmly.

"And are you also aware that she starred in porno?" demanded Two-Face.

Bruce didn't have time to respond before Selina leapt on Two-Face, clawing at his face and shrieking, "You son of a bitch!"

Two-Face pushed her off him and restrained her, while Bruce just stared at her. "Uh…excuse me for a moment, Selina," he stammered, racing from the room.

"Well, looks like you're gonna have to go gold-digging elsewhere," retorted Two-Face. "I'm not about to let my best friend fall prey to some selfish tramp who's willing to let the Bat into her cave. Let him go – I'm not robbing my best friend either," he growled as the henchmen tried to detain Bruce. They obeyed, releasing him, and he disappeared off down the hall. Two-Face held up a walkie-talkie.

"J, send your guys up to help with the haul. There's gonna be quite the take from this crowd. Mostly high society snobs except for the Cat Bitch."

"Oooh, the ultra rich and the ultra cheap!" chuckled the Joker's voice. "Talk about extremes! Sending the boys up now!"

"Why can't J do his own dirty work?" demanded Selina. "He doesn't usually ask for help from you!"

"He can't move real well," replied Two-Face. "So he decided to wait in the car. Harley apparently wasn't very understanding about your porno, and J's gonna have trouble sitting for a while, from what I gather. Didn't ask for details."

As Two-Face's henchmen began collecting valuables, Selina looked around for Bruce. She wasn't sure if his fleeing in horror was just an act in order to transform into Batman, or if he really had been horrified by the revelation. She got her answer a few seconds later, when they suddenly heard a crash through the walkie-talkie, and Joker screaming in pain. "No, Bats, stop, I surrender! I know you like it rough, but I've been through agony! Drag me back to Arkham, just be gentle! Oh God – that's not gentle!"

"Boys, aim for the windows!" roared Two-Face. "That's where he's gonna bust in!"

"Guess again," muttered Batman, kicking down the door to the room and dragging Joker behind him, crying out in pain at each bump.

Two-Face growled. "Fifty fifty chance and I pick the wrong option," he muttered, reaching for his gun. "Lesson is always consult the coin."

He fired at Batman, who dodged the bullet, pulling Joker after him. "Harvey, stop shooting!" shouted Joker. "The last thing I want is goddamn bullet wound to add to my…son of a Bat!" he roared, as Batman dodged Two-Face's second shot, which grazed Joker's shoulder.

"Sorry," muttered Batman.

"No, you're not," retorted Joker.

Batman ignored him, tackling two of Two-Face's thugs. Two-Face attempted to fire again, but Selina suddenly kicked out at him, knocking the gun from his hand. Two-Face raised a fist to punch her, but she kicked at him again, flipping over his head and kicking him again from behind, knocking him to the ground. Winded, he struggled to his feet, but Selina struck at him again, knocking him onto his back.

"Dunno if you actually saw my whole movie, Harv," she murmured, climbing on top of him. "But it gets a little rough at one point. That was my favorite scene to film. But then, I can be a bit of a violent girl when I get in the mood."

She began punching him repeatedly in the face, ending with a headbutt that knocked him unconscious. "Jerk," she muttered, climbing off him.

Batman had subdued the rest of the henchmen and came over to join her. "I'll take them back to Arkham," he muttered. "You go home."

"Oh…yeah…ok," said Selina, slowly. "I guess we'll…uh…talk later?"

He nodded. "Batsy, did you hear Pussy Pooh was in a porno?" called Joker. "I got a copy of it on me if you wanna borrow it."

"Yeah," said Batman, turning to face him. "I do, actually."

He grabbed the DVD case from out of his jacket pocket. "Bet that'll get the old Batsignal lit, if you get what I'm saying!" chuckled Joker.

Batman punched him hard in the face, knocking him unconscious. "He's a sick animal," muttered Selina. "Can I have it?" she asked, holding out her hand for the DVD.

He nodded, handing it to her. Selina turned and headed out of the room without another word. She drove home, lit a fire in her fireplace, and threw the DVD into it. She watched as the flames hissed and fizzled around the DVD, and then went to go change, and pour herself a glass of wine.

"Joker and Two-Face are gonna have quite the headaches when they wake up," came Batman's voice from her window.

She turned to smile at him. "Serves them right for watching porn, I guess."

"I guess," he agreed. "I'm sure Harley will say something of the kind to him after I bring her in."

"Well, Ivy's changed her mind and decided that it's actually feminist after all," said Selina. "I think she's actually considering a side career in it." She took a sip of wine. "What's…your opinion on it?" she asked.

He shrugged. "I have more important things to worry about, Selina," he murmured, removing his mask.

"So it doesn't…bother you?" she asked, studying him carefully.

He smiled. "If I can forgive a career of cat burglary, what makes you think I can't forgive one stupid movie a long time ago? Anyway, you've always been your own woman, Selina. That's one of the things I find so attractive about you. You've made mistakes, just like the rest of us, but you've learned from those mistakes. You've changed. And that's more than can be said for the other costumed freaks. I include myself in that statement, by the way," he added, grinning.

"Is that what you like about me?" she asked, grinning back. "I'm changeable?"

He thought for a moment. "I certainly like the woman you have the potential to become," he agreed. "The woman you used to be doesn't really matter."

"And what about the woman I am now?" she asked.

"I don't like her," replied Batman.

"You don't?" asked Selina.

"No," he said. "I feel something much stronger than that for her."

Selina grinned as he took her in his arms and kissed her. "Does the Joker know you're this much of a romantic? Maybe that's why he's jealous."

"Can we not talk about the Joker when we're making out?" asked Batman, uncomfortably.

"Well, I do want revenge on the bastard," muttered Selina. "And Two-Face."

"What will vengeance solve?" asked Batman.

"Solve? Nothing," replied Selina, kissing him. "But in the words of his eminence the Clown Prince, it will be a helluva lotta fun."


	6. Chapter 6

Jonathan Crane was back in Arkham Asylum after a failed attempt to unleash fear gas in a football stadium, stopped in a timely fashion as usual by the Dark Knight Detective. Still, he was trying to see his current incarceration as one of those glass-half-full scenarios, since the Arkham Library had recently acquired a rare collection of antiquarian Gothic novels. He was on his way back from the library to his cell in a good mood, carrying an armful of books, when he was suddenly seized around the collar and slammed against the wall, staring down into the furious eyes of the Joker.

"All right, nerd, tell me the truth!" he hissed. "Is it true?"

"Is…what true?" stammered Crane, who was no stranger to being manhandled in this way by bullies. He was having a brief flashback to his high school years, where he had been shoved into his own locker a record one hundred and eighty-seven times.

"You know what I'm talking about," growled Joker. "College. You and Harley."

"Harley and I what?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"In college!" roared Joker, slamming him against the wall again. "You taught her psychology, right?!"

"Y…yes," he stammered.

"And did she sleep with you?!" he roared.

Crane stared at him incredulously. "What?" he gasped.

"Oh, don't play dumb with me, you disgusting sleazeball!" hissed Joker. "She slept with you, and in exchange you gave her good grades, that's how it worked, right? And it wasn't just you, was it? Tell me the truth or I'll beat you to death with your own books!"

"I…haven't the faintest idea…what you're talking about!" he gasped.

"Mr. J, put him down!" shrieked Harley, who had rounded the corner to see the situation. "It's not true! I told you it's not true!"

"Why would someone make up a lie like that, Harl?" demanded Joker, rounding on her.

"I don't know!" cried Harley. "But it's not true! And frankly I'm a little annoyed that you'd believe some crank letter over your girlfriend! You were my first guy! I'll swear to that on anything you want! On my mother's grave!"

"Your mother ain't dead!" snapped Joker.

"On my grandmother's grave, then!" shrieked Harley. "On the life of our future kids, I swear I ain't never slept with any other guy but you ever! All the grades I got in college I earned fair and square by doing good in school!"

Joker dropped Crane to the ground. "I ain't having any future kids with a lying little slut!" he snapped. "So you can't swear on that, so I don't believe you!"

"Yeah, well, I ain't having any future kids with a dumb jerk neither!" retorted Harley.

"Good! Why doncha go back to sleeping with the Professor if he's the kinda nerdy guy you want?!" roared Joker. "I ain't touching you ever again, you filthy tramp!"

"And why don't you just go watch some more porn?!" shrieked Harley. "Because that's the closest you're ever gonna come to sex anymore, since you ain't gonna find any other dame willing to put up with you!"

"Why not? You found guys willing to put up with you!" shouted Joker.

"For the last time, I didn't sleep with my teachers!" screamed Harley. "Believe Johnny if you don't believe me! Tell him, Johnny!" she cried, turning to Crane, who had been watching the whole thing in confusion.

"I…can assure you, I have never had the pleasure of Harley's company in…that way," stammered Crane. "As…utterly incredible as I am sure it would be," he added.

Joker studied him for a moment, and then beamed. "You think it's incredible, huh?" he chuckled. "Guess you're telling the truth then – guess you ain't ever had her, or you'd know better!"

Harley slapped him hard across the face. "You horrible, dumb, insecure creep!" she shrieked.

"Harley, you can't blame me for being paranoid when I read something like that," retorted Joker. "But look at it this way – I wouldn't get so angry and irrational about accusations like that if I didn't really care."

Harley glared at him coldly, and then her face broke into an adoring grin. "Yeah, guess you wouldn't, puddn'," she purred, leaping into his arms. "Oh, Mr. J! You do love me!"

"Will one of you please explain what on earth is going on?" demanded Crane, as he gathered up his books again.

"Oh, Mr. J just received this anonymous letter accusing me of sleeping with my professors in college to get good grades," said Harley, shrugging. "And naturally since he loves me so much, he got a little overprotective," she cooed, ruffling his hair.

"Why would anyone make up a story like that?" asked Crane.

Harley shrugged. "To hurt me or Mr. J, I guess."

"What I do with my own body is none of your business, Harvey!" came Poison Ivy's voice as she stormed down the hall. "It wouldn't be your business even if you were my boyfriend, which you're not! I'm an independent woman, and I will engage in any business offers I see fit, without your input!"

"If it's true, Pam, if you're doing this, then we're over for good, do you hear me, you ungrateful bitch?!" roared Two-Face, storming after her. "I wouldn't touch you if you paid me! Especially if you paid me, because I ain't a whore like you!"

"Screw you, jerk!" she shrieked, slamming the door to her cell in his face.

"Isn't it sad that some couples have to fight all the time?" sighed Joker. "Poor bastards."

"What's the matter, Harvey?" asked Harley.

Two-Face held up a piece of paper. "I just received an anonymous letter saying that Pammie's been in touch with that porn company who made Selina's movie asking if they'd be interested in having her perform! After all that crap she said about it being unfeminist, now she wants to star in one!"

"I'm allowed to change my mind, you creep!" shouted Ivy through her cell door. "If it's true, which it might not be! And even if it was, it's none of your business!"

"Oh yeah? What would it do for my reputation to be dating a porn star?!" he roared.

There was a moment of silence. "Might help it, actually," muttered Joker.

"What's that supposed to mean, Mr. J?" snapped Harley.

"I just mean that some guys might think that's pretty cool," replied Joker. "Not me," he added, hastily, noticing the look in her eyes. "Just...some guys. Who aren't me. I think it's disgusting."

Harley glared at him and sighed. "Thought you would have learned your lesson, Mr. J. Oh well – I'm sure we can find a substitute naughty stick in here," she said, dragging him off.

"It's the cat bitch's fault, all of this," muttered Two-Face, crumpling up the letter. "I'm gonna remember this and pay her back. The moment I get outta here," he said, storming off.

Crane stared after him, and then sighed, picking up his books and heading back to his cell. Perhaps it was all part of his optimistic mood, but for the first time in forever, he was grateful not to be in a relationship.

**The End**


End file.
